A Cautionary Tale

I have really bad knees.  Weak, damaged knees that aren't particularly adept at quick lateral zigzags. I hurt my left knee as an early teen surfing in So. Cal. and then proceeded to do continued damage to both knees over the years in various athletic (and some not so athletic) endeavors. So, 41 years in I walk more like an 81 year old. A friend told me about a joint gel called Jointritis (or something like that) to ease pain and swelling of … joints of course. Anyhoo, I go to CVS for this product only to find a plethora of joint-healing potions and elixirs, but nothing called Jointritis. However, what they did have was a balm called Zostrix® a high potency analgesic cream for arthritic pain. Perfect.

Once at home, I put the stuff on and all appears well. I go to work, come home feeling pretty good. Before bed and according to instruction, I apply the cream again taking extra pains to “spread a thin layer and rub it in well.” The instructions are very clear: DO NOT apply heat after application of ointment. DO NOT wrap affected area after application. Okay, no wrapping. No heating. No worries. All is good and I go to bed.  At 2:00 a.m., I awake in a haze trying to decide whether to grab my shoes before getting my son and running out into the snow before my home is engulfed in flames. Why, in my hallucinatory state, did I think my house was on fire? Because my legs were AFLAME! Flaming legs equals flaming house, right?

After coming completely awake and discovering it was only ME on fire, I rushed into the bathroom and doused my legs with ice cold water.  No success. Scrubbed my legs with Dove soap and ice water. Still not better. After over two hours of applying icy water to my knees and shins, I grabbed a couple of frozen bags of peas and lay on our cold leather couch trying to levitate my legs.

When my husband awoke and came downstairs I, chagrined, explained what had happened. He read the box and said, “Oh, well see it has capsaicin in it. You know, the stuff in habanera peppers that makes them so hot.” I agreed that I DID know that and followed the directions explicitly so as to avoid this very incident. He then mentioned that maybe lying beneath our ultra-soft mega-warm micro-plush sheets, 2 blankets and a heavy comforter just might have been equal to “wrapping” AND “applying heat” to my legs.  Faced with such rational and damn annoying logic, I agreed that he might very well be right. That of course brought back the memory of my grandmother employing a poultice which she would use on strained muscles and arthritic joints. It consisted of grease rendered from goose fat combined with a jigger or two of Tabasco sauce. I remember telling her, “Gram, they have Ben Gay now. You don’t have to use that stuff, you know?”  My grandmother?  She is somewhere out there ... laughing.  Riotously.

So, moral of the story. Don’t use Zostrix®. Yes, I could have said, think more logically about applying something with capsaicin, don’t weigh yourself down with 140lbs in bed linens, etc, but really what’s the point. Don’t use it. There are plenty of balms and poultices you could use to soothe your joints. Why bother risking waking up in a ring of fire?

However, if you choose to use it? Use gloves. And DO NOT attempt to put in or take out your contacts after such use. I’ll refrain from sharing that post-script with you other than to say, yes, I’m an idiot. But if you’ve read this far, you already know that.

Post-script I will share: Although the burning on the exterior of my legs was excruciating, I have to admit that the knee joints haven't felt this good in years!  How's that for a nice visual ad?  Woman's legs are shredded down to the bone and smoking but she's doing those little heel clicks in the air saying, "I can't wear shorts but my knees feel great!"