Resolve

My friend Matthew and I were recently discussing our mutual aversion to resolutions. Not just generally but those made at the end of a year that may not have completely measured up to expectations. It's not about waiting for a particular time to make a change. Just make the change. Easier said than done, certainly. But if someone thinks that come January she's going to go to the gym on a regular basis just because it's the beginning of a new year, when she didn't go to gym on a regular basis in the prior year, that's a resolution that's destined to fail. Just go to the gym. And don't wait until January to do it. And it's not about saying, I want to be healthier. That's not going to work. Make a specific and definite short term goal that you can keep. Say, "I am going to go to the gym at least 3 times each week, getting there at 6:30 and staying at least an hour." That's a goal that's manageable.

I could go on and on about this, but lucky for you, there's a wonderful blog entry on this by Penelope Trunk here. She is a brilliant and gifted writer and I would say all those things if I too were that talented. Nice thing is, I don't have to be. Penelope is. And you can read her musings right there.


Back to me. I will, however, set goals for myself. Now, you might say, well, how's that different from a resolution?  Maybe it isn't.  But my goal doesn't have a timeline; it doesn't have to be completed in the upcoming year. And I don't necessarily have to wait for the new year to begin to put it in motion.

I have many short term goals that I want to accomplish (i.e., write more flash fiction, finish my bad novel, do more (read: any) meditation and yoga; finish some craftsy projects), but I'd say my primary goal is to actively make myself happier. Because that's a bit amorphous, I made myself define specifically one action that will make me happier: that action is to bridge the every-widening chasm between me and my surviving sibling.

This will not be an easy thing to do. I love this sibling. Absolutely.  And I miss him (sort of).  But, not to put too fine a point on it, my sibling is nuts. And not in the, "I'm really bugged by my brother, he gets on my nerves and I hate it when he takes my stuff/leaves my bike out in the rain, kind of 'he's driving me nuts'" nuts. Rather, my brother is clinically nuts.  Bipolar.  Diagnosed and untreated for decades. We all limped along together for 30 years or so with this crazy albatross around our necks (and by "we" I mean my mother, older brother, nutty brother and me - all of us enablers in our own way) but after the death of my mother and older brother, I decided to put this particular unhappy relationship to bed, so to speak. Although a wise decision that created a much needed shelter of sanity around my life, I know that I have lost something by skipping out. Something unquantifiable.

I revealed this small wounded part of my heart to a friend recently, someone who knows me fairly well, and she asked me, "What would your mother want you to do?" That got me. Wouldn't have thought it would actually, but it did.  Although my mother would intellectually understand why I have left my relationship with my brother in tatters, emotionally she would want us to find a place of, if not harmony, at least peace. I don't honestly know if that's possible, but I I need to try.  And I'm in the process of defining the steps that will bring this to pass.  The first was "reconnection."  Now we're "reconnected" via Facebook.  Not great, but something.  A first step. 

I read that the best indicator that you will be happy in the future is if you are 47 and close with your siblings. Well, I've got 6 years to go.

Okay, maybe there is a timeline to this thing.  But at least it's a well defined timeline.